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[NME,
18th January 1997. Words: Keith Cameron. Pictures: Stefan
de Batselier - page 3 of 3]
"So that's the choice. The minute I muck up again, I'm gone. And I can't deny that my life's better now. Although it don't feel good saying it! But just this weekend I got the opportunity to spend time with my son. It was great, we went to see 101 Dalmatians! One thing I notice about him now, which I didn't notice when I was using, is the way he looks at me. He looks at me with a lot of love and affection, and I never noticed that so much before as I did this weekend. I could look him right in the eyes, it wasn't like he'd be looking at me and I'd be feeling ashamed. It was almost like he was the adult and I was the child for a long time."
When he laughs, you can still hear the boy inside Dave Gahan, the cherubic teenage sprite singing those early Depeche tunes, whose memory he wanted so desperately to erase from history, as if the increasingly mighty Mode canon through the late '80s had not already done so. Such insecurity invariably begins at a young age, and is merely exacerbated by adulthood's erosion of innocence. Gahan never really knew his father, and was clearly ill-equipped to deal with the guilt that he had hurt his own son just as he himself was hurt. He began taking drugs at a young age.
"I first took heroin when I was probably 17, when I was living in a squat in King's Cross. But I didn't like it, 'cos speed was the thing at that time. I realise now I've had a very addictive nature when it comes to getting off my head and escaping from myself. 'Cos that's what it's all about, really. I used to steal barbiturates from my mother - she suffers from epilepsy - so these little downers were where it all started. No fault of my mother's. Then it progressed to different things. Alcohol's been there throughout. I would definitely define myself as an alcohol addict, for sure. I can't do one or the other. If I drink I'll get dope, I'll get high. If I have one drink, I'll want a bottle of vodka. My problem was more. I wanna do what I'm doing to myself until I'm gone.
"And I picked up heroin again when I went to live in Los Angeles. Wherever I was I'd be thinking about it. And that's when you've got a problem. I'd wake up and I'd think about it. A big problem I had, I was a junkie with money. An endless supply of it! And all I really wanted was my dope. I wasn't interested in cars or aeroplanes, all the other trappings of the 'rock star'. I weren't capable! I wouldn't dare get on my Harley, 'cos I was living up in the canyons...That's the insanity of it, I was more worried about killing myself in a car accident, but I was quite happy to shoot dope in my arms. And over the last few years I was using daily."
How difficult is it for you, right now, to stay clean?
"It's a lot easier than trying to get high, I know that. Trying to maintain it and kid yourself and fool everyone else. That becomes overwhelming because you're not having any fun anyway. I can't remember the last time I took any drugs and I could say I had a great time. It was probably during the 'Violator' tour, when E was the thing, and you'd pop an E after every show. I wasn't a social drug taker after that, it was an isolated thing. In my house in LA I had my own room, the blue room it was called, it was a blue closet and I'd shut myself in a closet.
"I remember reading Kurt saying the same thing, he had a closet under the stairs. That was plenty enough room. I'd be in there with my candle and my spoon, and that was it. Often Theresa would come knocking at the door, we'd have house guests and..." He runs a hand through his neatly clipped hair and gives a palpable shudder, his first real outward manifestation of emotion in nearly an hour. Heaven knows what it's like deep down inside there.
"It all sounds like, 'How the f--- did you get yourself into that shit?', but if you play with the devil you're gonna get burnt. And I believe heroin is the devil, because it takes your soul away. I think if there is a God there he chooses to leave you and let you get on with it, and that's what it feels like. You're this walking shell. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror."
Can you be around people who drink or do drugs? What if I were to chop out a line right here?
"I'd have to leave. Because I'd want some. And I'd only want to test it, know what I mean? Mart and Fletch, they drink, Mart drinks a lot, and they drink around me, and sometimes that's a bit difficult - not because I want to get drunk, but just 'cos I don't feel part of it. That gets me into trouble. But then I get my arse to a meeting and I find that helps, to be able to sit somewhere for an hour and a half among people where I don't have to say anything. I don't have to act like anyone. Sometimes it's hard, yeah. About a month ago I went through a period where I was constantly thinking, 'What the f--- is this all about? I weren't that bad!' I was really kidding myself that I could have another go at it, go out and do a bit more research!"
The Cat came back...
"Yeah, it's there on the left shoulder all the time. I'm aware of it now. I have too much to live for. I was lucky I had people round me, I was able to be put in the right sort of places and looked after. But there's still times when you're sitting on you're own, like anybody, and you get depressed. What I've learned from this experience is that I know I'm not gonna find anything there. If God gave out drugs and alcohol, I've had my fair share! Instead of a lifetime I used it all up too quick. Which is a bit of a drag sometimes, but man, I don't wanna die today. Six months ago I was ready to throw in the towel."
As we arrived at Abbey Road, there was the regulation clutch of tourists ogling the wall of Beatles graffiti. When Dave Gahan emerged from the taxi, a succession of jaws dropped. They weren't necessarily certain who it was, but that didn't matter. Here was a Rock Star, in the flesh, himself. Cool. Attractive. Alive.
That's the tragedy of Dave Gahan: he didn't really need to try that hard in the first place. And from the look on his face as he watches himself once again on video, you suspect Dave Gahan realises as much.
"I do a lot of praying," he says. "I don't pray for forgiveness, but what I do is I get on my knees and I thank God for keeping me sober another day. I pray to the ceiling in the hope that somebody's listening. But you know what? I feel a lot better in doing it. It makes me feel better to believe in something. I don't wanna go back there, I've got too much to lose now. And I don't mean the band, I mean myself.
"There's little bits of David that come back every day, and he ain't such a bad guy. I sit and I watch Harry Enfield and I laugh my arse off. Or I cry at some soppy movie - I didn't do that shit for a long while! I didn't have those normal feelings! I would sit and watch the f---ing weather channel for 12 hours of the day. It didn't matter, man, I was completely gouching out and days would go by, and years went by. But there's something happens every day, no matter how minute, that gives me the feeling I've got so much to live for.
"I wanna see my son grow up. When we were going back down in the care to take him home yesterday morning I said, 'Who is your favourite band anyway?' And he turned round and he said 'Huh! You, of course!' Really cute! I was really hoping he wasn't going to say something like the Spice Girls! No disrespect to the Spice Girls, but..."
...But not all nine-year-old boys think they're ace. Indeed, one particular nine-year-old boy still loves his dad's group above all others. How great does that feel? Dave Gahan doesn't even attempt to work this one out. Instead, he smiles broadly and reaches for his umpteenth Marlboro Medium of the day: time to chill for a moment before joining the others downstairs.
But then he pauses. The silver cigarette case snaps shut. Nah. Best not for a bit, eh? Cats have only nine lives, after all.
- Next week: More drugs! This time also featuring Fletch, Martin and Primal Scream! Bad vibes! How Dave Gahan nearly took Depeche Mode down with him! Alan Wilder! The one that left - boy, do they not like him! Not forgetting - the new album! How did they do that?! Depeche Mode put the needle on the record!!!
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